Perception and Concepts
by Chiisarin
Summary: Perfection and love. Identity and want. Yuffie and Cloud. They're all the weird pairings that come in life, and Yuffie's only trying to figure them out. "What is it like to be you?"
1. Chapter 1

"_What is it like to be you?"_

—_  
_

When she thinks over the event, she realizes that she doesn't really remember what happened before hand, that she can't seem to recall what she had been doing before _he _had said _it_. Well…she sort of did remember actually. Yeah, something for Squall. Some errand. Well no, not really. She had somehow convinced the moogle to do…whatever. Like always. Yeah, she sort of kind of has a hazy recollection of getting ice cream from the scary duck dude. Well, stealing really, but if the duck dude wasn't such a rip off she wouldn't need to steal it! Seriously, who charges 30 munny for a stick of ice cream? Wait...! Ice cream! She remembers now!

Yuffie closes her eyes for a second. And then opens them again, realizing that it was easier to flashback with her eyes open.

Yeah…Ice cream.

—

Euyuch. It's that feeling. That-that-that-_that _ewyuckygrowlI'mhungry feeling in her stomach. Like she was eating children, crawling and kicking and being digested slowly by some evil stomach acids that _kiiiill _ and ooh, cannibalism. Not a good picture. And euurgh, the feeling gets worse. That-that-that _that _feeling.

Guilt.

And of course, it only gets worse. And worse. And worse and worse and…oooh. Now she was eating children _and _puppies, my gawd, she was a terrible person! Stop it now, stop it now, pleeease, she swears she'll never eat ice cream and skive off again! (She crosses her fingers as she thinks this.)

And then, she just knows it, Squall is going to come. Any minute, any second now…

And then:

"Yuffie…"

_Crap! _

Yuffie jumps, her hand nearly dropping the ice cream cone as she shudders. Under her breath, she mutters a quick curse, before putting on a sweet saccharine smile, her voice going up a few pitches as she makes her excuses: "Yeah Squall, you see, the Moogles it's totally…Cloud."

Yeah.

It's Cloud. Not Squall.

(Duh.)

And for a moment, or maybe it was a few, or…yeah, time passes.

Like, seconds going 1, 2, 3 and happy stuff. Like wind going _whoosh_ and her staring at his eyes. Ooh, such pretty eyes, such beautiful eyes, and _why _does he have such prettifully _long_ eyelashes? Not cool, probably put mascara on every morning, and then when it rains, he goes all emo and cries tears, black tears, of _pain_, pain I tell you! For he is a lonely soul who's all be himself and is lonely, oh so lonely…and he's still staring at her. How many moments? Seconds? One? Two? Five? Still staring…Still staring…_TALK ALREADY_.

"…What is it like to be you?"

Whoa. He talked. Maybe he's psychic—ooh, that'd suck like hell.

Hold up. Rewind a bit, please.

_What _did he say?

"What?"

"Squall wants to know where are the papers he requested."

"What?"

But before she can say another word, he's already gone and walking—Yuffie blinks.

Wait, what?

—

And for the rest of the day, she only thought of one thing: _What is it like to be you? _As in, the words would ring in her head, going, echooo echooo echooo, what is it like to be youuuuuu….? And not only that, but she's starting to wonder _why_, _why _did Cloud ask her that? _Why _would he ask her that? _Why _would he care? Because...if...he cared…? Liked her? Ew. No. (Don't get your hopes up.) Maybe she imagined it? Maybe he didn't really say that, maybe, maybe, maybe her deranged mind was so deprived for attention that she misheard him? But…Why…

…What?

Confuzzlusion.

And thus, Yuffie paces back and forth in her room, replaying the scene over and over, reliving that one moment when her heart went **---Bump**, thinking about everything, how her lips were stinging with the taste of salt, how she was shivering because she was too lazy to get a jacket, how she had played with a rock with her foot, how he was looking at her…Confused. Still, nothing makes sense. Why why why why why why _why why WHY?_

…And with a weird sort of epiphany, she realizes—She's obsessed.

Hm. Not good.

—

Huuh...how to ask, how to ask? Should she just outright and say it? But that would make her situation much too obvious and...yeah, you don't want Aerith to know everything. Because secretly, deep down, she's a scary demon who blackmails everyone to be happy. Other option: attempt to manipulate the conversation so Yuffie can casually mention her situation. Yeah. Work. A lot of hard work and attempting to figure out how Aerith thinks (which is practically impossible), plan out every response, try to think of a topic in which her situation (...Her situation. Man, she sounds like a girl getting her period for the first time) relates to, and then has to memorize her lines, act them out...yeah. Work. Not happening.

"Yuffie?" Aerith pauses, looking over her a bit. "Are you...okay? You've been standing there for a while now."

Yuffie blanks out for a moment. She's been standing there for a while...? What...? Oh...oh yes she was! She was standing there! Yes, she was, good girl! And...Yeah. Remember the plan. Ask Aerith for advice without giving away the situation. Somehow.

Right. Plan A or B?

"Aerith! Yeah! Hi..." She trails off. Plan A or B?

Aerith blinks, a confused smile coming to her face. "Yes, Yuffie? Is something wrong?"

Plan A or B? Plan A or B? Plan A or—oh screw it, A's a prettier number anyway. With a deep breath, Yuffie just blurts it out.

"When you wonder what it is to be like someone, wha-what does it mean?" She stutters out a bit. Damn heart. Stop beating, stop beating, stop it! Ooh, bad little heart. Bad.

Aerith looks thoughtful, frowning a bit as she thinks, blue eyes moving back and forth. "Well," She starts. "What do you feel about this person? Do you like him, hate him?"

Okay, so Aerith didn't ask who it was. Good. Yuffie lets out a breath that she didn't know she was holding, and thinks about it. Cloud...what does he think of her? Well, they didn't really know each other and she can't recall ever playing a prank on him...hopefully not. "Err...Neutral," Yuffie answers after a while, before adding quickly, "But there's no guarantee this person is a guy! I mean...to say...yeah, it might not be a guy. You know."

Aerith quirks an eyebrow, but just nods, the edge of her mouth upturning a bit. Oooh, and look there's that sparkle in her eye. Oh yeah, Aerith didn't believe her. At all. "Of course. And this..._person_, has he done anything to you? Smiled at you? Or maybe it's the other way around? Where you did something to him?"

Her? Smile at Cloud? ...A-ha! That's a laugh. She can't even remember the last time she talked to him...well, except for...yeah.

"No, not that I can remember..." She replies, combing her mind. "Well, unless you count those times when I found him staring...I mean, when I found this person who may or may not be a guy looking at me. But that's only happened...once. Twice. Or something." (It's kind of sad that that's the only type of interaction Yuffie can remember having with Cloud, those one or two moments where she met his gaze for a second. Like, wow, she doesn't know this guy at all! ...Duh. Otherwise she wouldn't be asking Aerith for advice.)

Aerith is nodding, her smile growing. Wait, does that mean Aerith has an answer? Like, an answer answer? An _answer_? Whoa, Aerith be total amazingness. She be very total amazingness to be able to figure out her situation. (Aha. Her situation. Such a girl.)

"Yuffie, I think you have a crush on this guy."

Aerith is holy, Aerith is very holy and—_WHAT?_

She speaks her thoughts outloud.

"_WHAT?" (_She was saying that word a lot nowadays.)

Wait, she does _not_ have a crush on Cloud. Like, no. She's has crushes before (example, Squall, before she figured out that he was a big meanieface who only ordered people around and didn't like pizza. Seriously, who does not like pizza?), she _knows _what attraction feels like. ...Wait, Cloud's the one who wants to know what it's like to be her. So...Cloud has a crush on her? Wait, what? What? WHAT? NO WAY!

Aerith is giving her a smile, a knowing smile, a secretive smile and she's patting her head and is saying, "Now Yuffie, it's not that uncommon for girls your age to have crushes. It's normal."

Cloud did _not _have a crush on her. That just didn't make sense and...it was Cloud! The dude who was all, "I must search for Sephiroth because I'm stupid and I'm looking for darkness and blah blah blah cry no one can understand me." Yes, there must be some other answer, because...ew! Cloud did not like her, and she did not like Cloud! (Though he was kinda hot if one ignored the emo-ness and that he was practically taken by Aerith.)

"So Yuffie, is it someone I know?" Aerith asks, her voice all sweet and musical as she leans closer to Yuffie. "Leon perhaps? Or maybe even...Sora?"

...Did she say SORA? The horror! The shock! Blasphemy! To think...to _think _that Aerith would even imply that she likes...Sora. Oh, now that was low. That was low, very very low. (And so very last year? Hello, get with the times!)

Face burning up like...something hot, Yuffie tears herself away from Aerith, head looking down. "It's no-no one!" She insists, hoping that Aerith would not get any ideas to attempt some matchmaking with...someone like Cid or something. Oh gawd, someone like Cid? Oh gawd, don't think don't think...

And before the conversation gets any worse, Yuffie runs to...somewhere, mumbling something about Squall needing some stupid papers.

...Oh right, he did need some stupid papers.

—

"Squall! Your papers have arrived!" Yuffie announces, bouncing into the funky computer room behind Ansem's study. Ahh, it was such an awesomely cool funky computer room with such pretty colours...If only Squall let her in here more often. Something about, "You're a dangerous hazard to everything around you. It's better if we kept you away from the delicate equipment." Pfft. Stupid meanieface.

Squall looks up from typing something on the (ginourmous) keyboard.

"It's Leon. And I do recall asking for those data results,_ two days ago_." He emphasizes, holding out a hand. Yuffie, with a proud grin hands them over.

"Yeah...well, the moogle stole it from it me, so I had to lure it into a trap and get the papers," Yuffie says with a straight voice, nodding her head seriously. It was sorta true anyway. Kind of. Not really. "Those moogles, so much trouble."

"Uh-huh...And this has nothing to do with that moogle that was burning papers for fire for synthesis items?"

Whoa. Psychic Squall. Not cool.

"Nope, nothing at all. Didn't even know that moogles knew how to make fire." Yuffie claims, keeping an innocent grin on her face. Squall just rolls his eyes, obviously not believing her. Cheee, was she that untrustworthy? She adds pointedly. "You believe me, right?"

"Sure." Translation: Not at all. "You can go now." Translation: Leave me the hell alone before you trip and push the self-destruct button and blow this place up.

See, she knew Squall so well. Guys are so transparent...except for Cloud. Weird guy...She could ask Squall! Guys knew guys! He'd understand better than Aerith! Yeah, totally awesome and genius idea! Now, she'd have to decide between Plan A or Plan B again...

"Yuffie?"

Yuffie looks up, a frown on her face. Damn guy, breaking her out of her thoughts. Can't a girl get some time to think? Cheee. "What?"

Squall just stares at her for a moment, before saying, "You're still standing there." (Well duh.) "Was there...anything you needed?"

...Aha! An opening! Go in for the dive! Just do it!

"When a guy asks, 'What is it like to be you?', what does that usually mean?" Yuffie asks. Squall sighs, almost giving out a 'is she really asking me this and why must she ask me now' air. Psh, Squall always seemed to be annoyed by her. Never happy, was he. Inconsiderate jerk.

"Well, since it's you, I'd say the guy was so addled and perplexed by your weird tendency to be completely random and odd and utterly impossible to figure out that he just had to ask." He says deadpanned (and in one breath too, amazingly). "There. You happy?"

Yuffie lets out a snort and crosses her arms. "Oh come on, answer me seriously!"

"And how am I supposed to know?"

"You're a guy! You should know how other guys think! Come on, answer and I promise that I won't give any more papers to the moogles." Yuffie pleads. Whoops, she shouldn't have said that she realizes when she sees Squall's glare. "Hey, I was just thinking that'd it be really cool if we could train them to be messenger pidgeons, you know? It'd be great in a time of emergency okay I'll shut up now."

There's a small pause of silence as Yuffie smiles hopefully at Squall. Pleaase, she mentally sends to him. Pleeease please, pretty please with a happy cherry and maybe a squirrel on top? A happy squirrel with...some...nuts, oh that sounded wrong. Don't think, don't think.

And then, he finally answers. "You promise? You seriously promise this?"

Whoa, is Squall actually falling for that? No way! Oh, swe-eet!

She nods vigorously. "Of course! You can count on me, Squallie, buddly ole pal!"

Glaaare. Oooh, she's never going to use that term again. Right. She'll shut up this time. Honest.

Another annoyed sigh. "Fine." Mwa-ha! The Yuffster wins yet again! "Now...explain the situation to me."

Yuffie leans against the wall, getting herself comfortable before starting. "All right. So there's this guy...Yeah, this guy that I'm not really all too close with. And then, one day, out of the blue, he suddenly asks, 'What is it like to be you'? And before I can say anything he just walks away. And...yeah. That's it."

Squall stares at her, a look of disbelief on his face. In fact, his feelings are so clear (and because she is total awesomeness), she can practically read his thoughts: You're bothering me...with _this_?

"That's it."

Yuffie nods. "Yup."

"So you don't really know this guy (She nods), and then one day, he asks, 'What is like to be you?' (She nods again)..." Squall pauses, thinking over everything. When he looks at her again, she feels her heart flutter. Maybe he has an answer? A _real _answer? AH! He's opening his mouth! He's going to talk! Answer! Like, awesomeness! "...Maybe this guy likes you?"

Or not.

Yuffie's mouth drops open. And here she even went to ask Squall! How does she not have an answer yet? "Not you too!" She cries, feeling somewhat cheated and outraged. She even promised not to use the moogles anymore! "Seriously, is crushes all you guys think of nowadays? Hmph, probably Aerith and you are secretly dating, aren't you? Lovesick fools, the lot of you!"

Squall raises an eyebrow, looking somewhat bemused.

"Yes, you've caught onto us haven't you. And we're also secretly conspiring against you so that we can take your precious...what is it? Materials?" He shrugs, and is already turning back to his computer. "Now let me work. I've answered your questions."

"It's _materia_!" Yuffie corrects. "And that doesn't count as an answer! It's...wrong and...ew! Come on, surely there's something else."

"Then why don't you just ask the guy yourself?" Squall turns back a bit, a gives her a smirk. "Unless...you're too scared to do it."

Yuffie freezes. "What?"

Squall's smirk only grows wider. "You heard me. You're too scared to ask the guy, aren't you. Who is it then? Sora? Cid? Some kid you met while you were on vacation?"

What is with SORA? Why is it Sora the first thing that comes up in people's mind? Seriously, that was laast year, get it straight!

"It's no one!" And before she knows it, she's stomping out of the room and with a **FWOOSH **the door closes behind her. Damn Squall, probably wasn't enough of a guy to give a good answer. Damn long hair. ...And he just locked the door behind her! Oh no he so did not just do that, stupid annoying damn JERK.

Damn it, tonight they were going to have pizza.

—

But Merlin just had to conveniently remind Aerith that dear poor Leon did not like pizza, how about some beans, thank you. Psh, old senile man, just haaad to be nice to everyone. Gosh, what happened to revenge? And beans out of all things! Why not just get some grass and fry it with some...something! Yeah, that'd be great, oh yeah.

And so, Yuffie is left to sulk in her bedroom oh so happily while muttering and cursing under her breath. Oh happy day.

But then a familiar deep voice just had to interrupt her: "Yuffie, Aerith is telling you to come down for dinner."

"Damn it Squall, so I can't even sulk anymore? I'm not hungry, you bastard." She spits out viciously to him, giving him a narrow glare. He only sighs.

"We..." He pauses, as if loathe to admit what's going to come out of his mouth. "We have pizza."

Immediately, Yuffie is sitting straight up, her eyes pinned on Squall.

"Really?"

He looks to the side, a scowl on his face. "Yes, really."

And before he can even say _pizza is full of disgusting grease and will make you fat_, Yuffie is pushing him aside and is racing downstairs! Mwa-ha! Food! Happy food! The Yuffster shall always win!

And somehow, her situation was left forgotten.

—

AN: This was inspired by Kai Saitou, who once said to me, "No offense, but I can't evenbegin to see how your mind grasps what will now be known as "The Concept of Yuffie"...which somehow inspired this piece. And yes, the Clouffolution is still alive! Please support it and write/complete happy Clouffie fics. (-coughKaikaipantscough-). Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Days pass by and...life doesn't really change. She doesn't suddenly start wearing makeup (totally disgusting stuff that's impossible to remove), or try to exercise more (she is not fat, thank you very much, and the leeettle bit of fat that was on her stomach and calves is hidden anyway so HA), or do any of that girly stuff that they did when they had crushes. (Not like she does this stuff when she has a crush anyway...well, not too much at least. She was curious back then, that's all!)

So thus, she does not have a crush on Cloud. Though it's kinda weird, because every so often she wonders, what would she do if Cloud was there? What would she do if Cloud at that moment was going to walk in the door and tell her that she had to check up the security system's maintenance (eurgh, utterly horrible job)? What if Cloud was somewhere, watching over them, over Hollow Bastion, over her? ...Er. Stalker thoughts. Weiiird. Right, new topic.

...Yeah, Cloud totally obviously does not like her either. Because that'd be weird. And sorta wrong. Yeah, that'd totally make an awkward situation with Aerith...and Tifa. Oooh, that'd make an absolutely scary situation with Tifa. Though... what if Cloud did confess his undying love to her? "Yuffie, you are what I've been searching for my entire life. You not only saved my life...you made it worth living. Now let us go elope together into the beautiful sunset, after which I'll dump you like I did Aerith and start chasing after my true love, Sephiroth." ...She's thinking about weird things again. Very weird impossible things that will hopefully never happen in her lifetime.

...Alright, she's going to stop thinking about Cloud because she thinks weird thoughts! Grawr, stupid Cloud!

Besides, it's not like he comes to Hollow Bastion a lot anyway.

—

"AERITH—! Like gawd, Squall that stupid slave driver has been absolutely terrible to me all day! 'Yuffie, get me this report' and 'Yuffie print out the system log' and 'Yuffie you don't suppose you could tell me how beautiful I am', well, not that last one, but I'm sure he would if he didn't want anyone to know that deep down he is a _girl_, not like it's much a secret anyway, I mean that _hair_, it's even longer and _shinier _than mine—I mean, what kind of guy with has such girly hair—"

"Yuffie."

"Eh—what? Oh yeah, please tell me we're having fantabulously awesome for dinner like I don't know, kidney beans and asparagus? Then at least I can die a death of dignity—yeah, vegetables kill. They make you mean and _lame _too—like Squall."

"Yuffie."

And—Oh, is Aerith talking to her?

Yuffie looks up, blinking as she smiles innocently. Because, for once in her life, she can claim she's innocent! She didn't do it, she swears! (Stupid Squall made sure she was swamped with enough work to not be able to do anything.)

"Yaa…?"

"Could you…_talk _quieter?"

"Mm. Why?"

"Well…"Aerith pauses for a moment, as if she was going to speak the unspeakable, le gasp. Oooh, this is going to be something good…maybe. Hopefully. Oh just say it already. "Cloud's upstairs sleeping. He seemed really tired when he came so…let him sleep, okay?"

Aerith looks at her with a pleading sort of look, and suddenly, Yuffie somehow feels fluttery, happy, giddy because Aerith, strong do it herself Aerith is asking her to do something, she's…depending on her. She's depending on the Crazy Yuffie-girl. Whoa.

"Of course!" Yuffie says cheerfully, putting up a thumbs sign. "I can be quiet anytime! Just say the word and I will be _shut!_ No words shall come out of my mouth, I promise on my reputation as ninj—Oh. Yeah. I'll be quiet now."

Aerith gives a smile of relief, her emerald eyes seeming to droop down, and it's weird how tired and how old (like almost Cid-old) she looks and…how such a small thing seemed to make her happy.

And suddenly Yuffie feels small. Very very small.

"Thank you, Yuffie."

As Aerith goes to tend to her small garden, Yuffie just sits down and watches the clock go _tick _**tock**_tick _**tock **and wonders, just wandering, meandering (beautiful word, meandering is) from thought to thought, idea to idea and in her mind, for a few moments or so, she pretends that's she Aerith, that she's strong but delicate, fresh but mature, that she's charismatic and charming and eloquent and wonderful and…beautiful. Such a strong word, such an…attractive word.

If only she is beautiful, if only if only if only…the thought seems to resonate in her head. _Beautiful_, what is it like to be **b e a u t i f u l** … (To be loved…?)

(Because Aerith…she cares. She cares so much, and she cares and she cares and cares and cares and…She wants to be there for her. She wants to give back what she has been given and, and, and…And she doesn't want to be useless. She wants Aerith to know, she wants _everyone_to know, _everyone everyone everyone because she loves them all and they're family_… that they can depend on her. That she can be strong.)

And even if it's only for a few moments or so, she entertains the image that she is…perfect.

And then the moment passes.

—

And then she realizes that _Cloud_, as in (sorta hawt and gorgeous but also emo) _Cloud_ that she has _not _been obsessing over, is upstairs.

As in, in the same house as her. As in, within the same vicinity as her. As in…

…**S**#!**Q**&**UE**$**AL**#.

—

But it is one of those squeals where you kinda grind your teeth together, pinch your eyes shut and squeeze your stomach and you kinda hiss out a lot of air, so no noise is made. No worries.

—

...Hopefully.

—

When she comes back to the house after a long day of toil and stuff for the 7:00 dinner (For dinner was always at 7:00. Always. Or Aerith kills you) she finds Cloud up and helping set the table. And for a moment, she's not sure what to do. Should she help him, should she ignore him and do her own thing, should she just…AND HE'S LOOKING AT HER AND…

….And now he's not. Not even a hello, or a short wave or nod, just a flicker of his eyes and that's it. Wow, what a greeting, boy does she feel special. Che, stupid Cloud. Doesn't even have proper socializing skills now, does he. Fine, she'll ignore him too.

And just at that convenient moment, Aerith sticks her head out of the kitchen and notices Yuffie. "Yuffie, you're back. Why don't you help Cloud set the table?"

Aw, hell.

"…Yeah. Sure." She grumbles as she turns back to the table.

Aerith smiles gratefully. "Thanks Yuffie. You're a big help."

"Yeah yeah."

Aerith goes back to cooking...And suddenly, it's just her and Cloud in the room. Right. Get this over with. She gets the utensils and puts them by each place, making sure to place a set of chopsticks by her seat (Because she was the only one who was special and cool enough to use chopsticks, hell yeah.) Beside her, Cloud is putting down plates. And it's silent. Very silent.

(…THE SILENCE BUUURNS.)

Yuffie glances a look at Cloud. He's not looking at her, not saying anything, not even acknowledging her existence…He's ignoring her. Completely. (And she wonders if her heart will beat faster if he looks back. She wonders if she'll smile, if her stomach will flutter, if he'll say _something_…)

And she's just looking, just observing, just wondering…and before she knows it, her hand is reaching out…and…

**She ruffles his hair. **(It doesn't feel nice. It's not soft and silky like Squall's, it's not thin and wispy like Aerith's, it's not fluffy like her own….it's just….boring. Blah.)

And he just stops, stops moving, stops breathing, and…whoa, he looks dead. Did her hand kill him? Mwa-ha, super cool ninja powers, nyuk nyuk nyuk…

Oh yeah, she's still touching his hair. And he's still not moving.

Er.

She pulls her hand back, suddenly realizing how awkward the situation was. After all, she did just randomly touch his hair like some random freak like oh my gawd what must he think of her now… "Dude, your hair's really boring and so not cool at all, ever heard of conditioner? Yeah, you should totally ask Squall whuch brand he uses, you definitely need some work on that hair of yours."

…Whoa, when had she started talking? AND OH MY GAWD, she can't stop! Stop talking, mouth! Please! And you, heart! Stop beating, damnit, stop beating and OH MY GAWD he's looking at her (with such pretty blue eyes) and she still can't stop talking not good not good…

"…In fact it really amazes how you can even style your hair so decently every morning! And you don't even use some lame hair gel!"

"It's natural." He suddenly cuts in.

Wait. Hold up. Did he...he talked to her! He talked to her he talked to her he talked to herhetalkedhetalkedhetalkedtoHER. No way no way no way no way …

Wait, what does she say now? Ah…er…um, eh, oh…

"Yuffie, help me bring out the food please!" Aerith calls from the kitchen. Yuffie lets out a sigh of relief and calls back.

"Coming!"

Thank GAWD for Aerith, always getting her out of sticky situations. Sweet girl, really.

(Though she feels oddly disappointed too…)

—

When Yuffie finds out the next morning that Cloud is gone, she feels relieved, relieved because it was really just annoying how she would become nervous and sweaty and self-conscious and... Gah! She just couldn't be herself! Damn hormones. Thus, it's not a crush, it's just an attraction caused by an unbalance by chemicals in her body…or something.

Though she wishes she could have gotten to know him better. Because then her body would have proper and undeniable proof that Cloud is a very lame and boring (she really needed a better vocabulary) guy who hasno personality. Not because she likes him.

Or something.

…She forgot to ask him about The Question! (As she has aptly named it.) Damn hormones.

—

How boring.

In fact, not only was she bored, but she was also listless, spiritless, absent, abstracted, apathetic, _blah_, blasé, careless, disenchanted, dormant, dreamy, drowsy, dull, easygoing, energyless (what kind of lame word is that?), enervated, faint, heavy, heedless, impassive, inanimate, inattentive, indifferent, indolent, inert, insouciant, jaded, lackadaisical (pretty word), lagging, laid back, languid (another pretty word), languishing, languorous (lotta "lang-" words, huh), leaden, lethargic, lifeless, limp, lukewarm, lymphatic (isn't that some kind of thing in your throat?), mopish, neutral, passive, phlegmatic, slack, sleepy, slow, sluggish, stupid, supine, thoughtless, torpid, uninterested and vacant.

Yup, she is bored enough to look up bored in the thesaurus.

But she isn't bored like she has nothing to do. In fact, she has plenty she could do. Help Aerith cook, analyze data with Squall, help Cid with the designs for the new buildings, or maybe just do some recreational activity like Heartless hide-and-seek. (Don't ask, it's something between her and the Heartless, thank you.) But then when she even considers doing something for a moment, her chest would feel just so leaden and she'd be just so tired and everything would just seem so…boring. She doesn't want to do that.

But then…what did she want?

She doesn't know.

And then she tries to remember days long ago when she had been motivated, when there was a million things that she wanted to do and she didn't have enough time to do it all. And she remembers how everything just happened, how everything just suddenly seemed to fall in place for no reason.

Is she thinking too hard? Is she trying too hard to make something happen? Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it will just pass over.

And so she waits.

—

And nothing happens. (Blank. Synonyms: Cipher, zero, diddly squat, goose egg, naught, zilch, zippo…)

And in the meantime, she finds herself thinking, just wondering about _stuff_. (Stuff. Ugh. It seemed like such a…not deep word. Stuff. Synonyms: …None that apply. Damn.) Why did she want to do the things that she wanted to do before so much? Why did she ever want to learn the guitar? Why did she ever want to be an actress? Why did she ever want to write a novel? What use would it do? What was the meaning of it, what good did it do? What's the damn meaning of life?

Just….what was the point?

(What good was she?)

And then, she suddenly finds herself feeling terrible every time she looked at someone. Every time she sees Cid, all she thinks of was when she had played pranks on him, when she had stolen his materia, when she had gotten into a fight with him. Did she ever hurt him? Did she ever cross the line? What did he think of her? And what about Squall? What about all the times that she's slacked off on work? What about all the times that she's made snide comments about his hair (though it really _was_ girly), when she refused to call him Leon (Because that was just really lame. No applicable synonyms.), and….And what of Aerith? Merlin? Sora? Cloud?

Was she a terrible person?

…Augh, don't think! Stop being so self-pitying and weepy and lame, you stupid brain! It's not cool! Be all efficient and proactive and all that happy stuff, damnit!

(But what did it mean to be happy?)

—

"Aerith, what do you do when you're bored?" Yuffie asks during breakfast. It's only her and Aerith there, everyone else already having woken up and gone off to do whatever work they had to do. Yuffie, who isn't really hungry, had only eaten about half of the omelet, somehow finding it more satisfying to play around with it and form random faces. She waits patiently for Aerith to answer.

Aerith, sitting across from her, is drawing out a hum as she thinks. _Scrtcch, scrttchh_ goes Yuffie's fork as she draws yet another face. It's a funny teary but stare-y face. And it's staring at her. Or glaring. And it's telling her, "Go do something you lamer!" She quickly mashes out the face.

"I tend to my garden." Aerith answers after a few seconds. Yuffie puts her fork down and looks at Aerith.

"Yeah? Why?"

"Well, it calms me and helps me collect my thoughts and…." Aerith pauses, and Yuffie waits. An answer? An answer? An answer? "I just like doing it."

Yuffie lets out the breath that she didn't know she was holding (she wonders how many breaths that she didn't she held that she had breathed in her life) and feels her shoulders droop a little. That didn't really help. All too much. At all.

Aerith seems to notice this and asks, "Don't you have any hobbies?"

Well yeah, Heartless hide-and-seek. But they never pick her as "it", those meaniefaces.

Yuffie just shrugs and makes some noncommittal response ("I suppose") and gets up.

And then, by the end of the day, she had asked everyone the same questions. And had gotten all very not helpful responses.

Cid: "Shut yer yap brat and bring me that screw. You can complain later." (Such a sweet loving guy, that Cid.)

Squall: "I don't have time to be bored because if you haven't noticed, I have a city to rebuild. Or rather, _we _have a city to rebuild. Now, could you get me…" (Squall made his point very clear.)

And Merlin just gave her a damn jigsaw puzzle, saying it stimulated the mind.

But she did it anyway. (Because it meant that for a small lapse in time, she had something to do almost.)

—

And before she knew it, a whole month had passed and she…had done nothing. Nothting at all. And all that time had just been wasted. Wasted—tired, exhausted, useless. She feels so useless.

She wants to cry.

And Cloud comes the next day.

—

By now, her not!crush has deteriorated into a passing feeling which she just ignores. Yeah, so she thinks Cloud is drop-dead gorgeous? So what? Squall is too and she was able to get over her crush on him. So she somehow finds herself wanting his attention when he's around? So what? She's a bit of an attention whore anyway.

So what does it matter?

This time, he came because he had a broken arm (It was something that happened in the Olympus Colisseum, or rather, the Underdrome now. Haha, loser.). It is with painful regret (though Yuffie knows on the inside that she's probably jumping for joy) that Aerith informs Cloud that, even with her healing, he'll have to stay for at least a week.

Cloud doesn't have a reaction. Instead, he just nods, an indifferent look on his face. "Understood." is the only word that he says. (But then for the rest of the day he sits by the window and just stares outside it, like an emo bird wanting to fly out of its cage. She wonders what an emo bird would look like. Though Cloud is practically a chocobo anyway….)

And then she remembers The Question. She has to ask him about The Question.

…Maybe later when he isn't sulking.

—

Later turns into a week. Though it really isn't her fault, as she could never seem to find the right moment, short of just waking him up in the middle of the night. Though she's sure that would probably be pretty amusing.

"Cloud's going to be leaving in two days," Aerith announces as she and Yuffie wash the dishes. Yuffie pauses for a second, an annoying whiny voice in her head reminding her about _The Question_. She quickly squashes it and continues to wash the dishes and continues to rinse the dishes.

"Oh yeah? Are you going to miss him?" She asks casually. Aerith lets out a sorta sad sounding snort and smiles.

"Of course. I mean, it was nice to have him home, wasn't it?"

_No, not really, as all he did was linger around and fight some Heartless, the boring guy_, Yuffie responds in her mind. But she doesn't say that and instead goes on to brightly say, "Did you know that I used to have a crush on him?"

Aerith giggles and looks to Yuffie amusedly. Any trace of sadness are gone, Yuffie notices with a satisfied feeling.

"Really? Cloud? Why?"

And as they talks, the annoying voice returns to remind her. Two more days…

—

**JUST DO IT.**

The words are written on Yuffie's wall in bold black sharpie, taking up about a fourth of the wall. The ink smells of alcohol and rotten pineapples and the first thing that goes through Yuffie's head the second she finishes shading in the large letters is this: _Aerith is going to be piiiiiissed. _

Yuffie steps back, satisfied as she admires her work. (Haha! Her graffiti skills came into use after all!)

And somehow, for one of the first time since the past few weeks, she feels her heart lightening and beating faster in anticipation and…she's excited.

Now all she has to do is somehow start up a conversation with Cloud. She's gotta _just do it_.

…And make sure Aerith doesn't see in the inside of her room.

—

(She finds him in the crystal depths, just sitting down against the transparent walls, eyes closed. For a moment, she stands there, just looking for something, looking for that peaceful look, that gentle smile, that serene air that he should have had. She doesn't find it. )

It's extremely sad that the first thing she does when she finds him is ruffle his hair. She's not sure why it's sad, but it's sad. It is.

And it's even sadder the way he reacts, or rather, the way he doesn't react. He doesn't jump or stiffen up or turn into an alien monster or_ anything_! Not cool. And his hair is still boring.

"You couldn't find a good conditioner, huh?" Yuffie says, moving to seat herself next to him, and to her odd relief, he doesn't move away.

"Hello…" He pauses for a moment (or a few) before continuing. "….Yuffie."

"It's the _Great Ninja Yuffie_, thank you very much. You wouldn't like it if I called you Cloudina or Clouderella, now wouldya?" (He says nothing.) "So, how's life?"

"…Fine."

"Fine, eh? Happy that you're almost healed?"

"…Yeah."

"Though it must suck getting your arm broken."

Silence.

And more silence.

And then, he turns to Yuffie and looks her straight in the eye for a moment and she sees _beautiful oceans of cerulean ice reflections of the ice surrounding them and it's pretty oh so pretty _hesitation.

"Yuffie, just…" He stops and breaks eye contact _and it's sad because she doesn't see the pretty blue anymore_ as he looks down. "Please leave me alone."

It's sad. It's sad because she hears the annoyance in his voice, and she hears his anger, his fatigue, she hears how his voice would become shorter with every answer, and…she ignores it. She pretends she doesn't because…(habits are hard to break) she doesn't want to hear it.

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and she's not apologizing to him, but to everyone, everytime I'm sorry I'm sorry she ignored them, everytime she didn't hear them because she couldn't I'm sorry I'm sorry she couldn't because if she did she I'm sorry I'm sorry would break, __**break, B R E A K **__like glass like crystals like I'm sorry I'm sorry tears that could never be put together again…_

And so she looks away.

"Cloud, why did you ask me that question? Why did you want to know what it is like to be me?" She asks quietly, softly, whispering like she was telling a secret. (Because she was telling a secret.) It's so cold, she realizes. It's so cold, it's so very cold and she's tired, and even when she pulls her knees to her chest she still feels cold and tired and angry and miserable and lonely and vulnerable and…

"It doesn't matter."

And she's thankful that he's so emotionless, that he's so closed off, that his voice is cold and indifferent because then she doesn't have to try and make it clear.

But she's not happy.

"But it _does _matter," She mumbles back and from the corner of her eye, she can see him glancing at her and she can see him asking, "Why?". Or maybe she can't see him and she's only imagining it because she wants him to ask. And then she starts to wonder, _why _does is matter? _Why_? Yet even as she asks herself, there is a resounding voice in her that assures that, that guarantees, that swears, that just _knows _that it matters

She bites her lip hard, suppressing shivers.

It matters. It matters because it made her notice him. It matters because it made her curious about him, it made her wonder of him, it made her think of him it made it think of _herself_. It matters because it made her think of herself, it matters because it made her think of herself, it made her wonder what _was _it like to be herself, what was it like to be Yuffie, Yuffie Kisaragi, the Great Ninja Yuffie…

It matters because it made her realize that she doesn't know herself.

She doesn't know herself at all.

She doesn't know who Yuffie is, she doesn't know what Yuffie is, she doesn't know where when why how Yuffie is, she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know what she likes, she doesn't know what she's good at, she doesn't know what people think of her, she doesn't know her words, her feelings, she just…doesn't know.

She doesn't know anything at all.

"It matters because…"

_It matters because I want to know who I am._

But she can't say it.

(Two strangers sit in a cave.)

She clears her throat and changes the subject, her voice high-pitched and loud.

"Hey Cloud, what do you do when you feel useless?"

* * *

AN: I've realized that I characterize Yuffie with low self-esteem and always self-pitying herself, which isn't really all too much in character, so I'm trying to make her more mature. Key word is trying. And I'm trying to add more description. And writing for Cloud is hell. 


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